In October 2023 I lost my youngest son as of a medical incident that took him. It was a shock, as he was to be married, in a few weeks in November. Life is good, can be great, and also give unwanted and tragic times that most of us have to experience. The early morning that my son Chris come to my door and told his parents that Chad had passed was the worst moment in my life. Not even close. His death was the 2nd unexpected loss in the course of one year, as of my nephew’s passing in November of 2023 as of Covid/blood clots. Both Chad, and my sister’s son Michael, were 38. Death knows no age. As the artist REN says in a quote dealing with mental anguish, which I know I was going to have to face eventually, for the rest of my life on earth, I would have to learn to “relax” in my “eternal dance” of life. As of this that dance “that separates human beings from angles, from demons, from gods, and I (WE) must not forget we are human beings.” REN’s words spoke the truth. As a human being, with faith in God, I could take all the time I would need to get right with myself, as this was a personal predicament I was suffering with. Me alone, had to deal with it, and accept it, giving comfort as much as I could.
Anyone that really knows me can testify that I do not show much reaction in emotional situations. I do not cry with regard to very serious personal issues and some might say that my lack of tears is inbred as of my strong German genes. Well, I can do a lot of “cover-up” in keeping my emotional side to myself when I need to, but when alone, even if the tears do not flow, they are just a twitch of an eye away from a bucket of salty sea water.
I did not cry much on Chad’s death, in public, even though it hit me emotionally like never before. Losing a parent is not the same as losing a child. No matter that Chad was not in my daily life. My wife Charolet and I raised both sons to be independent, which started from as young as one can be to make decisions without parental advice. Chad was his own agent when he was still teen, making and having to live with his choices, good or bad. He had his experiences and he became a very strong human being in every respect. He treated everyone with respect but could give out negative crap if needed. He was a leader and if you knew him that is enough to say about that.
During the past year I have been able to get through it with help from family, friends, and God. Having faith that Chad is in a good place makes it easier but it does not answer the questions on why him? But from the day he died, I have not challenged God on that question as it is one that I will never be able to get an answer while a human being on this earth. I will wait my time until I make that final journey.
(My motivation on writing this came as I have discovered the artist REN, on Youtube. My son Chris told me to check this man out and the various hours I have sat and listened to his artistry which have allowed me to understand that we all have this journey to take on the paths we choose to take. The past year has not a time for feeling sorry for myself, and I refuse to do that. Others have had it much worse as losing a future husband, a mother losing her son, a brother losing his brother, best friends losing their best buddy…….. With that, I want to give it up to REN and his music. It has been like having a personal psychologist helping me along that path. And I want to thank him for his artistry in helping the thousands he has as he allows us to dig deep into his own personal issues.)
Love and Peace
My favorite photo I took of Chad above. He was always the man in the room, even as he rested.
